Hello, and thank you for tuning into TANN: "The Avalon News Network". I'm your host, Psilence, from Bors-46.
IN TODAYS TOP STORY...
Gaznar and Morbius were recently seen together strolling the outskirts of Joseph's Gorge smoking cigars and gorging on mana potions. The pair recently garnered media notoriety when Gaznar, formerly a recluse, decided to publicly appear for 24 hours in the small village of Glastonbury. Seen carousing with the locals and signing autographs, it seemed as though the BFFs would enjoy a day of luxury and admiration, but it was not to be. Paparazzi and hopeful suitors flooded the streets upon news of his arrival, and what started as a day of fun and friendship ended in a murderous spree when one foolhardy reporter made the egregious mistake of accusing Gaznar of being a "cheap promotional item designed to steal peoples money" and that he "wasn't that great as a T1 anyways".
S.H.O.C.K.E.R. MISSING? WE'RE SHOCKED!
It has been over a week since the legendary and enigmatic SHOCKER has been seen in the arenas, and speculation is abound as to his wereabouts. Some claim that he's retired his sword since there was no competition left, and he'd accomplished all he set out to do. Others say a large group of adversaries surrounded him and were able to defeat him using superior numbers and an increased proc chance on an army of Sunmages. Yet others speculate that the credit card companies took him into custody when he couldn't pay them back for his ill-gotten-gains, and a mounting debt in the "real world" caused him to go into hiding. We may never solve the mystery of what's happened to him, but the phrase "one in the pink, and two in the stink" will always bring back vivid memories of the destruction we all faced at his hands. S.H.O.C.K.E.R., wherever you are, know that you are missed.
FENRIS SUICIDE ATTEMPT THWARTED
The mighty Fenris was admitted to a hospital in Tintagel for psychological evaluation after a failed suicide attempt late last night. "I just can't deal with not being the best" said the washed up demon lord. "I used to be the one people would hope to drop... now all I hear is Terraheart this, or Gravebane that. That used to be ME they'd complain about! MEEEE!!!!". Our squire on the scene is standing by with Desdemona for her comments. "He'd always been a little unstable, but none of us in the monsters community thought it would come to this. We're all wishing Fenris a speedy recovery and are hopeful he'll be terrorizing newbs everywhere again soon." Balzathor himself was also on scene and in an exclusive interview had a differing opinion: "The guy's a washed up has-been, maybe even a never-was. You try working with him on a tank team for hours at a time... the guy smells like wet dog and never procs when I want him to. He's only good for his stats, and even those aren't that great anymore. Heck, I wouldn't even perfect evolve his hairy @$$." Those of us here at TANN offer our sympathies.
ROBOTS AMONGST US?
And in our final piece of the night we explore an undercover story: "FelixTheCat & Fausto... real people, or robots in disguise?" Our experts here at TANN are investigating allegations that these two (amongst others) are not actually people, but 'bots designed to be beaten up by newbs in order to increase their confidence! What a cruel and sadistic marketing ploy by big brother Kabam. More on this breaking story as it develops...
From all of here at TANN, this is Psilence signing off.
Stay classy HoC!
Carl Szalich (Psilence on Bors-46)
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